as everyone tells you, healing is not linear. you go through stages of grief, you go through periods where the world is immensely dark, and walking through the world with cinderblocks permanently homed around my ankles.

my perception of healing had always looked like this; once i completed certain steps, it got to a certain point, i expected i would feel better, or i would be healed— returning to who i was before.

i would be that person again.

there are levels and variations to tragedy, and the experience of how we absorb it, and i think that is what makes the human experience poetically, tragically, beautiful resulting in one word that is ringing through me;

gratitude.

i have lost everything; looked around and realized there couldn’t be any words, any presence, any dollar amount, dream, comfort, to replace the magic, the moments i had lost. whether that be from what existed from my own autonomy, from my love, and so forth.

i think one resonates with that devastation when every part of them has been scraped out, when every concept of nothing left only scratched the surface, and that darkness does overtake. when they don’t recognize themselves, yearn for something bigger then themselves.

it ravages them, nearly destroys them,

but in the end i do believe it heals them.

i have come to realize those cinder blocks never actually come off. and i can spend all my time running around with them only to know that they will be a part of you—- and news flash— you may gain some around your wrists, your waist, and so forth. you aren’t one and done.

but i guess i never really wanted to hear that— and i guess i never wanted to hear phrases without being told HOW i could live amongst the pain.

to heal there must be anger, there must be boldness to receive peace. there must be honest passion to the wounds, honest connection to minimize disfunction. there must be suffering. but that suffering must end.

i don’t believe in a god, i don’t believe in a higher power. i believe in myself. by that logic we are all powers— everything matters— and everything holds value.

and at times that did take me to some dark

places— to not have an savior, or a channel to put my disdain for the world into and at my very worst want to believe and hope in something.

an infant mind, and the declaration to feel all with an intensity that has woven itself into my being; it has been my super power, and also my downfall.

i view my connections as collections, wonderfully unique, infinitely valuable.

i often say when talking about deep things— “i can’t express it”

but let me try

i see moments that shape my existence, that feel as if they painted before me, in a four dimensional way. presenting itself as reasons for me being the way i am. moments that made me know that humanity transcended farther than the horrors life has perpetuated on me. that has unintentionally shown me beauty, how to be human is wonderful, and love is layered and poetic, and there is so much magic in the vulnerable.

that puts me in a place of peace.

gratitude- the state of being grateful : thankfulness expressed gratitude for their support

4/10/24