Two years ago my life changed. At that point in time I thought it was over. I was devastated. The psychological manipulation I endured took me to a low place that I had never been before. I was a part of two horrific circumstances. First I was given a role in a narrative I never wanted to be a part of. My reactions and hurt to the bad behavior were villainized more than the bad behavior itself. I left the state. Our friends diminished horrific acts and justified it with any small imperfection I had. If I stood up for myself, I technically allowed him to walk away. If I stood my ground, I technically wasn’t understanding his heart, if I claimed my worth, I wasn’t being an empathic partner.

The second circumstance was the aftermath. Wanting my life back, at whatever the cost. The denial I sat in was a reflection of the desperation of wanting my old life back. I had moved to Arizona with independence and strength, on my own and created on my own. It was a hard change, experiencing a bold adventurous move the first time compared to the second- moving due to exile/running away. Rebuilding in destruction takes a lot more effort, a lot more out of you. The world seems foreign, everyone feels like an enemy.

It took a long time to accept what had happened. I wanted there to be a solution, a reason. Something more than the world being a cruel place. Truthfully I can finally say I am grateful for two years ago, the way that it happened, the way that it is. I have the ability to end toxic cycles; to know better. I don’t mean just say I do, but truly do. I put my foot forward and go into the unknown. Leave what is harmful behind and allow it to stay there.

I have started a new project. After reflecting on the journey I have been on I have found deep appreciation for what it is. I have discovered each chapter accumulates and adds to the story. It leads up to the moments, that I now cherish deeply. How I think, feel, connect. I’ve realized that in the good and the bad that exists, even the devastating, my goal is to create, in anyway that speaks to me. To not stay stagnant, to add more to the story.