i remember sitting in that bar feeling tears stream down my face

reality seeping in after one of my many dates

searching for the feeling of warmth and love i was trying to replace

all i could think was that lost feeling was what fueled the soul

without it i am nothing

a ghost of grey mundane,

conventional.

a world without that magic would be bleak

and in that search

i ignored me.

time flew

days continued on

a decade of my life gone

filling the role of the virgin mother,

a lover girl,

the desired male fantasy

unconditionally loving epitome

caring selflessly.

finding myself in a web

convincing myself

my head wasn’t bitten off

wasn’t like the rest

the others eaten alive

they didn’t have what it took to survive

the spider and i were meant to be

he gnawed and prawned but in the end,

he chose me.

for a decade i thought that web was what held magic

the spider the keeper

i the believer

stuck in triangulation

now realizing the spiders tricks

the woven manipulation

how it isn’t in my nature

to be against the others that have flown

into traps the spider had sewn.

they are not the enemy

and i,

like them

victim to the traps pitting us

against each other

each of us taking the other down

master plan

a well sought out

end.

i,

a fly

meant to be free,

wings on my back,

am not supposed to teach spiders how to be.

i remember sitting in that bar feeling tears stream down my face

reality seeping in after one of my many dates

searching for the feeling of warmth and love i was trying to replace

decades long devotion to the notion

that life would only be complete

by finding another,

better version,

to complete me.

and now i can say,

i am finally

free.